Post by deo on Mar 1, 2014 7:34:55 GMT
The three predators sat around the fire in the silence that comes from a day of hunting. One was skinning a five-mouthed Arturian Dragon-Cow, and doing a rather sloppy job of it, as the so called Cowgon had ten stomachs per each mouth’s digestive track. Every few seconds he would nick one of the stomachs and it would burst like a balloon filled with methane and ground beef. The other two predators sat a good distance away from him.
T’saar was the leader of their three man team. He sat on a Arturain toadstool and stoically began look through the weapon functions on his control gauntlet, and scrolled over dozens of horrific weapons that could kill a giant plasma wurm with a single shot, or flash cook a hive-mind of Cygnus beetles if even pointed in their general direction. There was a younger predator seated across the Arturian marsh who was also absently skimming through his gauntlet, but something was off. T’sarr knew something looked different then usual, and he soon saw what. T’sarr’s own gauntlet was a brutal shade of grey, the screen smeared with the stains of hundreds of quarries now long since defeated, and the buttons nearly worn to nothing. But his fellow hunter’s gauntlet was an almost sterile white, with no buttons, no knobs, no sharp edges of any kind, just a single screen that he skimmed with his talony finger. T’saar groaned.
“Caleb, tell me you didn’t wait in line for that pretentious piece of scrap,”
The other predator shrugged.
“I didn’t wait in line, I had it pre-ordered and I picked it up this morning.”
“It’s still an utter waste of money,” Tsarr moaned.
“No it’s not,” Caleb replied, “it’s awesome, its got tons of new features.”
T’saar shook his hands in mock enthusiasm.
“Oooooh, it can share your kill-streak data to ‘the cloud’. Who cares?”
“It’s also got a bigger screen,” Caleb retorted, “and a longer battery life, and it syncs with my home computer without a cord,”
“Meaning you have to buy a shitty home computer just to get it to work, and a new charger just to get that battery life. They are screwing you out of money for a cheap pretentious piece of plastic.”
“You hate it for no reason.” Caleb told him, “You’ve never used it, and you can’t judge it unless you’ve used it, so just shut it.”
“I’ve used them before,” Tsarr said.
Caleb paused a second, then thought.
“Wait, how could you use it? It just came out.”
“Dude, you use one apple product, you’ve used them all.”
Xojj, the third predator, was now finishing with skinning the cowgon. He retracted his blades and stumbled into the conversation halfway through.
“Oh, you just got the Gaunt-lite 5,” he says to Caleb, “ That’s cool. I’m still on the 4G.”
T’sarr rolled his eyes.
“Here,” Xojj said, “let me text you that photo from Earth my buddy took. We got to hunt this thing.”
Xojj tapped his screen a few times and sent the photo. After about two seconds Caleb’s gauntlet vibrated and lit up. He opened the text and looked at the photo.
“So, it’s just a big lizard. Why should we be impressed?”
“No man, it’s not just a big lizard. There’s just no scale in that photo. You see that tiny little dot on its toe there?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a human.”
Caleb’s eyes go wide.
“No way man, that thing would be way too huge.”
“We’re Yautja,” Xojj replied sternly, “ there’s no such thing as too big, too tough. We could take it out, no problem.”
“Yeah,” Caleb says, “but you can’t really hunt something like that. You can’t stalk it. You just sort of have to blow it up from space, and that has all the challenge of pressing a button.”
T’sarr stood up and rejoined them. As he looked at the photo an idea popped into his head.
“Don’t we still have all those xenomorph hives littered around Earth?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Xojj replied, “Dave and his guys had to get rid of one of ‘em, but I think there are still a bunch we haven’t used. Why?”
“Why don’t we wake them up, and sick them on this thing? Then if they kill it, it would be like us killing it by the transitive property.”
“I’m not sure that would count,” Caleb said.
“Course it would,” T’sarr replied, “ how many do you think would be a fair fight, like a million?”
“I guess.”
T’sarr tapped a few buttons on his gauntlet and a few billion lightyears away some very cranky xenomorphs woke up to find that somebody else had supplanted them as Earth’s most feared monster. As they crawled from their slumber they headed towards the city of Tokyo. The Aliens amassed in the city, swarming through the roads and buildings like deadly, deadly serpents.
Then a massive shape rose from the water, looked upon the city, and gave a roar.
--------------------------
Godzilla in Tokyo vs his weight in xenomorphs.
T’saar was the leader of their three man team. He sat on a Arturain toadstool and stoically began look through the weapon functions on his control gauntlet, and scrolled over dozens of horrific weapons that could kill a giant plasma wurm with a single shot, or flash cook a hive-mind of Cygnus beetles if even pointed in their general direction. There was a younger predator seated across the Arturian marsh who was also absently skimming through his gauntlet, but something was off. T’sarr knew something looked different then usual, and he soon saw what. T’sarr’s own gauntlet was a brutal shade of grey, the screen smeared with the stains of hundreds of quarries now long since defeated, and the buttons nearly worn to nothing. But his fellow hunter’s gauntlet was an almost sterile white, with no buttons, no knobs, no sharp edges of any kind, just a single screen that he skimmed with his talony finger. T’saar groaned.
“Caleb, tell me you didn’t wait in line for that pretentious piece of scrap,”
The other predator shrugged.
“I didn’t wait in line, I had it pre-ordered and I picked it up this morning.”
“It’s still an utter waste of money,” Tsarr moaned.
“No it’s not,” Caleb replied, “it’s awesome, its got tons of new features.”
T’saar shook his hands in mock enthusiasm.
“Oooooh, it can share your kill-streak data to ‘the cloud’. Who cares?”
“It’s also got a bigger screen,” Caleb retorted, “and a longer battery life, and it syncs with my home computer without a cord,”
“Meaning you have to buy a shitty home computer just to get it to work, and a new charger just to get that battery life. They are screwing you out of money for a cheap pretentious piece of plastic.”
“You hate it for no reason.” Caleb told him, “You’ve never used it, and you can’t judge it unless you’ve used it, so just shut it.”
“I’ve used them before,” Tsarr said.
Caleb paused a second, then thought.
“Wait, how could you use it? It just came out.”
“Dude, you use one apple product, you’ve used them all.”
Xojj, the third predator, was now finishing with skinning the cowgon. He retracted his blades and stumbled into the conversation halfway through.
“Oh, you just got the Gaunt-lite 5,” he says to Caleb, “ That’s cool. I’m still on the 4G.”
T’sarr rolled his eyes.
“Here,” Xojj said, “let me text you that photo from Earth my buddy took. We got to hunt this thing.”
Xojj tapped his screen a few times and sent the photo. After about two seconds Caleb’s gauntlet vibrated and lit up. He opened the text and looked at the photo.
“So, it’s just a big lizard. Why should we be impressed?”
“No man, it’s not just a big lizard. There’s just no scale in that photo. You see that tiny little dot on its toe there?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a human.”
Caleb’s eyes go wide.
“No way man, that thing would be way too huge.”
“We’re Yautja,” Xojj replied sternly, “ there’s no such thing as too big, too tough. We could take it out, no problem.”
“Yeah,” Caleb says, “but you can’t really hunt something like that. You can’t stalk it. You just sort of have to blow it up from space, and that has all the challenge of pressing a button.”
T’sarr stood up and rejoined them. As he looked at the photo an idea popped into his head.
“Don’t we still have all those xenomorph hives littered around Earth?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Xojj replied, “Dave and his guys had to get rid of one of ‘em, but I think there are still a bunch we haven’t used. Why?”
“Why don’t we wake them up, and sick them on this thing? Then if they kill it, it would be like us killing it by the transitive property.”
“I’m not sure that would count,” Caleb said.
“Course it would,” T’sarr replied, “ how many do you think would be a fair fight, like a million?”
“I guess.”
T’sarr tapped a few buttons on his gauntlet and a few billion lightyears away some very cranky xenomorphs woke up to find that somebody else had supplanted them as Earth’s most feared monster. As they crawled from their slumber they headed towards the city of Tokyo. The Aliens amassed in the city, swarming through the roads and buildings like deadly, deadly serpents.
Then a massive shape rose from the water, looked upon the city, and gave a roar.
--------------------------
Godzilla in Tokyo vs his weight in xenomorphs.
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