Bender vs. Ultron

VS.
Ultron
It was a simple idea; one Ultron should have done years ago. A small swarm of nanobots would be launched into a city full of the filthy humans. The nanites would then consume the humans to produce more nanites that would consume more humans to produce more nanites and so on, till the Earth was wiped clean of the pests call humanity.

Just then the Avengers arrived, breaking into Ultron’s secret base. “Humans! You will not be spared!” he said in a cold mechanical voice. But this battle would be short lived.

The Scarlet Witch’s chaos bolt struck the mad robot surrounding him with a red haze. For a second time/space twisted in on itself until the sphere that captured Ultron collapsed and imploded. Ultron was gone. The Avengers were stunned; finally Captain America spoke, “Wanda, what did you do?”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” she stammered, looking at her hands.
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1000 years later at Planet Express, the Professor addressed his crew. “Good news everyone! My latest invention is ready for a test run.”

“Don’t care,” Bender said, leaning back with his feet on the desk.

The Professor continued “This device will revolution our understanding of human history.”

“Still not caring,” Bender said, stretching his arms and readying himself for a nap.

“The Chrono Prober and Plucker will allow us to pull objects out of the past and bring them here.”

Bender popped up on his feet, “Whoa! Professor, isn’t that basically stealing stuff from the past?”

“Basically, No! It’s the very definition of stealing. Why do you ask?”

Bender was busy putting a ski mask on, “No one reason. Other than, ya know, being able to steal people’s stuff without ever having to get off the sofa. Fire this puppy up!” he commanded.

The Professor started up the machine and set it on “Random”. A small ball of red energy appeared, and it quickly grew. Suddenly it disappeared leaving a robot standing in front of the Planet Express crew.

“Death to humans!” Ultron began. The crew was stunned into silence of a moment. Until…

“I like this guy already,” Bender said putting his arm around Ultron. “Oh wait, you don’t have a wallet. Never mind.”

“You pitiful organics will all be purged from this world and be replaced by the new order of machines!”

“Oh Lord,” Leela groaned, shaking her head. “Not another one of these. Professor, how fast can we send him back to the primitive, barbaric 21th centry?”

Bender interjected, “Hang on there meat wad! Just because he wants to kill all humans, does that really make him a bad guy?”

“No,” said Amy. “The fact that you’re ok with him makes him a bad guy. Who’s a robot. I guess”

Fry added “In fact whenever you vouch for somebody that lets us know they’re dangerous, like Slaughter Bot 4000 or Vee Dee ‘Omatic.”

Bender was offended by what he had heard. “Come on buddy. Let’s get out of here,” he said dragging Ultron away from Planet Express.

“No! Humans! I must destroy the Humans!” Ultron raged, clawing at them as he was pulled away.
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Somewhere in the deep south, where dentistry is considered a form of witchcraft, and they deep fry chewing tobacco, a farmer named Bubba Ray was out in his field.

“Hey Josephus, what fer is the password fer the WiFi down in the holler?”

“You mean the Wifi fer the holler, the outhouse or the meth lab?” Josephus replied.

“The holler! Grits fer brains!”

“squeallikeapig1, no spaces!”

“I swear that boy is the dumbest of all of Uncle Dad’s 38 kids,” Bubba Ray said typing in the pass word. “What the … 4G?!?!? What are we cavemen, which the Bible clearly proves never existed.” It was then that the two robots came out from the brush. The moon light reflected off their metal body and malice could be seen in their electronic eyes. Bubba Ray took a long hard look at them. “Hey Josephus! There’s a pair of them New Yorker homosexual types running around out here! Break out the good moonshine fer them and make them feel welcomed.”

Later at a robot strip club called the Access Port, Ultron was wearing Bubba Ray’s overalls and Bender was smoking his corn cob pipe. “This is truly a marvelous age for machine kind Bender,” Ultron said ogling the stripper bot that was twerking in front of him. Well, not really twerking, more like her “back side” was a giant oscillating piston. “But I’ve been here for 1 day and only killed one inbred human and 20 million pandas. When will we begin to cleanse the organic filth from this world?” he demanded.

“In good time my friend, in good time. But a proper rampage has to age just right, like this tequila made by a monastery of Mexican luchadors,” Bender said holding a bottle of tequila called Sweat De Mil Mascaras. On the label it said “It’s great but it never sells”

“I don’t want to sit looking at stripper and listening to a melody of Def Leppard hits! I must kill humans!”

“Here,” Bender said “Drink this,” as he dumped the tequila into Ultron’s mouth port till the bottle was empty. “Hey! You swallowed the worm. You know what that means? Another Bottle,” he cheered pouring another one down Ultron’s hatch.

“Stop pouring tequila in me!” Ultron commanded once Bender was done.

“Why? I’m paying for them with your credit card,” Bender asked and then poured a 3rd bottle. “I’m just grinding your crank shaft. C’mon. Let’s go have some fun.”

(For this montage, you might what to put on ZZ Tops’s Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers)

Inside of Madison Cube Garden there was an ultimate fighting match. They jumped in the cage with chainsaws and started to chase the fighters.

At McDonald’s they kept buying a 450 pound man cheese burgers. When he finally exploded like a balloon, they high fived.

They hid land mines in the floor of the Radio City Music Hall and waited for the Rockettes to start dancing on them.

There was a red hooded man and a man dressed like a bat fighting on the gang way over an open vat of chemicals. After the red hood fell into the vat Bender and Ultron walked by the bat man and casually pushed him in the vat too.

Finally, they dug up a forbidden relic from Earth’s past, the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. They started to play Rebecca Black’s “Friday” over the PA till people’s heads exploded.

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Finally they entered Bender and Fry’s apartment, arms around each other’s shoulders, and laughing hysterically. Fry was awake and quite upset with his roommate. “Well, I can see I’ve been replaced. Tell me Bender, was I just here till you met another homicidal robot, and then forget all about me, like 10 years’ worth of Jennifer Aniston movies? Were you just going through the motions, not really caring how this turned out, like 10 years’ worth of Jennifer Aniston movies.”

“Bender this is perfect. You brought a human here to your own home for us to kill.” Ultron said as he powered up an energy weapon. “What did you call this, a night cap?”

Bender slowly and heroically stepped between Fry and Ultron. “I can’t let you do that. This sad sack of meat is my friend. He knows how truly great I am,” he said with an almost tear in his eyes. “I know some times he goes whole presidential administrations without showering. And sometimes I think his mother won too many drinking contests when he was in the womb. And sometimes, when he hasn’t been with a woman in a long time he looks at me and I get uncomfortable. But still, this one human is just good enough to honestly say ‘Bender is my whole world.’”

“Then you shall die with him,” Ultron crackled.

“Wait! Ok! Hang on! Let me change my answer!” Bender pleaded.

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Simple set up;
If Fry dies Ultron wins.
If Fry lives Bender Wins.
Also, high five if you caught the Mil Mascaras not selling joke.