Nicholas Lowe

This is why I should just write everything in the forums. I copy paste from google docs. I'll edit it now.

This is the Character Analysis Board. So here I come to analyze this character with a little FPL style love. 

I'll start by saying this. Nick Lowe here is lucky there isn't a killing floor anymore. He's lucky that the INC isn't a competition like the FPL was. He's lucky there aren't penguins, marriage slaying robots, unicorn psychopaths, or tech-friendly dinosaurs around to kick his ass six ways to sunday. Basically, what I'm saying is, Nick Lowe isn't well put together. 

I do like the concept. It's an interesting element to add into the Landon Academy framework. An infiltrator. Someone from the outside come in for reconnaissance and eventually disruption of some kind. Having him be a Blue Beetle-esque trust fund kid is a pretty interesting angle to take. I don't see any of his background showing up in his personality, but, that's fine. 

So, let's take it in sections. 

Background

I'm not going to do line editing, because that would take far too long. But I'll put some problem lines here in italics and try to explain exactly how they weaken your prose and get in the way of the story you're trying to tell.

The sound of the rain hitting the giant windows. The sound would be amplified by the vast, empty mansion. To many, it would seem like a empty place, but for Nicholas Lowe, this was home.

Your first sentence is not a sentence. This is a literary technique known as an anapodoton. It's normally used to indicate abruptness or a disruption of the norm. i.e. (Jason Bourne ran down the stairs two at a time, holding his keys against his leg to mute the noise of their jangling. Something wasn't right. Wet paint on the ballustrade. This wasn't the right building.) Use of the onomatopoeia does not free you from the rule that your sentences have to have a subject and a verb.

I underlined a section because it reads as nonsense at the moment. You've just told us that the mansion was empty and then immediately afterwards you tell us that a non-specific and nebulous many would call it empty. Of course they would. It is empty. You just told us it is. 

The next clause introduces your first person narrator in the third person. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would do that. Maybe he is, but if so he should do it more than once otherwise it will seem like an error made by the author rather than an idiosyncratic indication of his personality. 

Then into the dialogue section. 

It definitely gives us a Call to Action and pushes your main character into a place of discomfort. I like the subtle indication of the emotional relationship between these two (that is, until you spell it out in plain sight for your reader). that is: He was cold since I could remember, but turned colder when Mother was killed. Seriously, dude. Easy on the exposition. Show us his father being cold and we'll get the memo. Also, as a reader, I don't care at all that his mother was killed. Not here. Not at this moment in the narrative. 

But, back to the dialogue. 1. I'm not seeing a lot of personality from either of these two characters. Father decrees his wishes. Son accepts. Part of this is because no one has any emotional reaction to anything that happens. Everyone seems fairly blank-faced as the conversation happens. 

2. You use a lot of ellipses. There is almost never a good reason to use an ellipsis. This may be a stylistic issue. This may be a personal thing. But for me, pseudo, whenever I see an ellipsis I roll my eyes because obviously this author doesn't have faith in the dramatic content of his dialogue. Trust the words to do the work for you.

Thus ended the short discussion between me and my Father. Hell, that was one of the longest conversations I ever had with him.


Watch your tenses, man. Past tense or present tense. You have to pick one and stick with it the whole story. Thus ends the short discussion or, this sentence is right and all the present tense ones need to be changed.

That second sentence is so much more interesting that the first sentence. And, what's worse. The first sentence adds absolutely nothing to your story. We know that's how the discussion ended, because we just saw them have a conversation and then stop doing that. 

Woo, that was a lot of stuff in the background. Let's move on. 

Personality

Nothing interesting. Nothing great. Nothing too eye-wateringly offensive either. This is a transition and you know it. You didn't want to write this part, because nothing goes here. Surely he's got a personality and he does things that show us what that personality is. You don't even have to go sequentially. You can flash back to the event that got him kicked out of the last school. You can cut to him on a train, eating a bagel if you think that'll help us get to know this guy. All I'm picking up is that he's confident and he thinks his dad can get him anywhere - which - is a specific form of confidence. 

It's like Inception, man. We've got to go deeper. 

Powers

Second Skin

even though I had zero powers, I was able to fight several lower ranked Supers and beat them.

Wow, that sounds interesting. I wish we got to see that. What was that writing saying again? Show, Don't Tell? 

We touched down in Michigan fairly early. No troubles there

Well then I don't give a shit. His plane landed safely? So what. There was no reason for me to expect that it wouldn't. You tell us nothing about the flight that might give us an inkling into his character while still forcing your reader to imagine, what, exactly? A plane touching down, a boring walk through customs, and a shitty cinnabon? No. Unacceptable. Start your story when something interesting happens. Perhaps when he bumps into a nice slime maiden?

Looking at my hands, they seem to be alright. No shaking, which is go- *bump* I seem to have bumped into something. I don't really know what, since my eyes are close. It's so soft though...and smells like flowers..

Is he... talking into a recorder? As I understand, he's writing in a diary. How did he interrupt himself while writing? Is he writing constantly in this diary even while he's walking around the campus? Why are his eyes closed? I assume you mean closed and not near. Why are they closed? Was he looking at his hands through closed eyes? 

The detail of her smelling like flowers is nice. Would be nicer if we knew which flowers. Lavender smells really different from roses which smell really different from crushed daffodil which smell nothing like rafflesia. 

"What?" I ask out loud.



You do not have to clarify that your dialogue is out loud. That is assumed. If you do, however, clarify that your dialogue is out loud, it implies that all the other dialogue not explicitly tagged as such is telepathic. I'm sure that's not what you meant. 

And then a fight breaks out for no reason. Your reader is given no reason to care because there are no emotional stakes in the fight. They're fighting over... Nicholas Lowe's reticence to answer simple questions?

I'm losing consciousness, it seems I have to fight back.

I'm sorry to reiterate but HOW EXACTLY IS HE RECORDING THIS? It's in present tense, so, I imagine he's experiencing it and recording it at the same time. Is he saying this monotone into a microphone pinned to his lapel? Is he scribbling in a small notebook while a cloud kicks his ass? What is happening?

Nano-Blade

The nano-bots in the suit would extend forward

Stop using the conditional tense when you're not supposed to. This sentence should either read, "The nanobots in the suit extend" or "The nanobots in the suit extended." I made other minor changes in those rewrites. Notice those too. 

I'm not tangible

What a weirdly helpful thing for your villain to say. Does he always loudly explain his advantage to those he's bullying? Surely he doesn't win a lot of fights if that's part of his strategy. Who the hell is this guy? He's super into politeness to the point that he will beat the everloving shit out of  a kid for being slightly rude?


I know who you are boy. If me and my goons hold you hostage, your father would pay a high reward, wouldn't he?


What the fuck? Why is he saying this? Why is he saying these things out loud? This villain isn't scary, menacing, or threatening because he's a goddamn idiot. He doesn't seem like adequate challenge, even for Nicholas Lowe. Even though he is "not tangible." As such, your audience doesn't fear for your main character at all. Mostly, we're perplexed.


Crowd Control

Using Sonic as a specific counter to Phasing is really interesting. I like your creative use of the powers system. Normally taking both Ranged and Area Effect implies a sort of grenade-like system. But I guess I can get behind it being multiple applications. You can use it in an area or in a ranged lance to a particular area.

I had my personal trainer, Smoke Screen help test this out.

He has a personal trainer? He has a personal trainer who is a "Super" even though his dad is capitalizing on a massive anti-super movement? Even though he's on a covert mission to find weaknesses in and develop technology to fight the supers? There's one that, apparently, comes in and plays punching bag for this little kid? AND HIS NAME IS SMOKE SCREEN?

How did his dad even know that he'd be encountering an intangible smoke being in order to hire that specific personal trainer? I Have So Many Questions. 

MMA Training

This section moves fairly smoothly. It could use a close reading and some line editing, but, it works to its purpose and actually tells us a little about Nick's character. He's a man who likes quite. Likes some time away from it all and when he gets that time he spends it practicing his martial arts. Interesting. 

Hindsight

This isn't a power. It isn't even really hindsight. He's kinda good at school? He learned history from some people who gave him another side to it? Are you... implying that he uses this knowledge of history to... look for future weaknesses? Is that what I'm supposed to gather from this? Otherwise, I am a hundred percent not in understanding. Super lost. 

I hope this has been in some way helpful. 1 out of 5 pandas, omfg. You can do better. I believe in you.

You know it. Bruce gets 4 btw