Official Tournament Match Sterling Archer vs Stephen Colbert
Jul 26, 2015 18:57:48 GMT
Ruinus and DSkillz like this
Post by thetrekker on Jul 26, 2015 18:57:48 GMT
(To revive my old EF catchphrase, even though much of it isn't relevant)
VOTE, RATE, COMMENT, AND ENJOY
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It had long since passed from the dinge of twilight to the heavy darkness of the night. Despite this late hour, the island of Manhattan was abuzz with activity as tourists, couples and families poured out from Broadway shows eager to get first in line for their favorite dessert stores. Above the din of noise was a penthouse apartment with a grand view of the city. The occupant of that penthouse was not enjoying the view however.
The man who owned the apartment sat inside sunken into a deep VIG Chesterfield recliner. He gripped a scotch on the rocks in one hand and a remote control in another. The man continued to press the up channel button in an attempt to find something to watch. It had been a bad day for him. His favorite singer had been arrested on drug trafficking charges. Worst of all, no one seemed to be covering it. He needed to find a show to calm down with.
“There is just nothing on tonight. 256 channels of boring snoozefest. We won the Cold War and ended up with this crap?”
After a few more frantic clicks of the TV remote, the screen came to rest on a black haired man standing with American flag while a red, white and blue eagle flew by. Rampant patriotism? I could enjoy this, the man thought. The title theme cut away and the man waved to the camera as it zoomed in on him.
“Nation! Hello, and welcome to the Colbert Report! I’m your host, Stephen Colbert.”
The man in the chair relaxed. Finally, there was something he could tune out to. He took a sip of his scotch as the talking head went on. Colbert covered various issues including the latest political scandal, and the sad shenanigans of the Tea Party, which he drummed up to be a great success using his faux right-wing TV character. The final issue he looked to be covering was infrastructure.
“And so Colbert Nation, I think it is great that our infrastructure is crumbling. Now every time I take a roadtrip, it will be so exciting. My life can be a literal ‘highway to the Danger Zone.’ And speaking of Danger Zones, Kenny Loggins.”
“No.” Gasped the man in the chair, his grip tightening on the scotch.
“Yes friends, it appears that Mr. Loggins will not be singing, ‘I’m Free’ anytime soon. In fact, I think he’ll be relearning what it means to be ‘Playing With The Boys.’”
“Stop.” Menaced the man in the chair.
“Being in jail could be good for him though. It would give him time to think about his mistakes. For example, how terrible of a song ‘Danger Zone’ really is.”
“That’s it!” Roared the man as he shot out of his chair, casting his tumbler of scotch to the floor, where it shattered into pieces. “Woodhouse! Call Lana. Tell her to meet me at work, and get my turtleneck.
---
3 Hours Earlier
Colbert had just finished the taping of his show and was preparing for the aftershow. The season had just started and the producers were throwing a gala to celebrate and kick-off another successful season.
“Stephen, could you come in here?” His director asked. Stephen followed his voice and walked into his director’s office. The director flipped the lights on, and Colbert was blown away. In front of him stood a full model replica of the paladin armor that Colbert had been modeled in.
“Oh my god! I don’t believe it!”
“Well, we knew you really liked the painting of you wearing it, so the crew contributed some money and we managed to buy a real life copy. It’s even made out of some lightweight metal, so you can wear it and still walk around normally.”
“This is…incredible.”
“You like it huh? Why don’t you wear it to the party?” Colbert nodded as he moved to grab it to try it on.
---
Lana had been standing in the cold for 10 minutes outside of the laundromat when Archer finally pulled up.
“Damn it Archer! Do you know what time it is?”
“Um like 12:40 am?”
“Yes, that is the middle of the night. Why did you call me out here in the middle of the night?”
“Work waits for no man, or woman. Come on, we’ve got to kill Stephen Colbert?”
“The comedian? What did he do?”
“He pissed of a very, very important person.”
“Wait, how do I know this isn’t another one of your personal vendettas? Who called you to set up the contract?”
“Uh, Koggins. Lenny Koggins.” Archer prayed that Lana still had no knowledge of the singer at all.
“Fine, but how do you propose we get in here. I bet it’s locked, and ever since we merged with the CIA, the security is probably even more intense.”
“Please Lana,” Archer said as he swung open the supposedly locked door. “We may be partnered with the CIA, but it’s still us. Did you expect anything more?” Archer led the way down the secret elevator where they equipped themselves with sniper rifles and small pistol sidearms.
---
An hour later, Lana and Archer were set up on a building opposite the open-air aftershow party of The Colbert Report.
“Archer, do you see him?”
“No Lana, of course I don’t see him. If I would have I would have sai….oh my God!” Colbert had just emerged wearing his paladin suit. “Look at him. He’s got a literal case of White Knight Syndrome.” Archer adjusted his sights for Colbert’s head and prepped his trigger finger. Just as he took his shot, Colbert had thrown up his armor clad arms while talking to someone at the party. By sheer luck, his armor caught the bullet, denting the metal, but not piercing it. The crowd ran in fear as Colbert ducked, shielding his head.
“Dammit, I can’t get another shot.” Archer stood up, trying to get a different angle. “Face your judgement for ridiculing Kenny Loggins.” He shouted down at the armor-clad man.
“WHAT?” Lana yelled. “You lied to me, you dragged me out here for your own rampage.” Archer lowered the sniper rifle to turn to Lana.
“Yes Lana, alright? I lied. But now you’re here, and they’re going to go after anyone on this rooftop regardless of the pretenses under which they were led here.”
“Fine but I am going to kill you for this later.”
“Great. Now where did he go?” Asked Archer. In the time the two were bickering, Colbert had fled the scene. Now the two spies had to find him and hunt him down. Unawares to them, Colbert was planning a counterattack with the security guards on scene. Can Archer finish his rampage successfully, or will Colbert prove to be the American hero he claims to be?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TL;DR Colbert, in his lightly armored suit, has to storm the building Lana and Archer are on top of while the two agents, armed with sniper rifles and handguns, have to take him and his security guards out.
Profiles
Sterling Archer
Stephen Colbert
VOTE, RATE, COMMENT, AND ENJOY
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It had long since passed from the dinge of twilight to the heavy darkness of the night. Despite this late hour, the island of Manhattan was abuzz with activity as tourists, couples and families poured out from Broadway shows eager to get first in line for their favorite dessert stores. Above the din of noise was a penthouse apartment with a grand view of the city. The occupant of that penthouse was not enjoying the view however.
The man who owned the apartment sat inside sunken into a deep VIG Chesterfield recliner. He gripped a scotch on the rocks in one hand and a remote control in another. The man continued to press the up channel button in an attempt to find something to watch. It had been a bad day for him. His favorite singer had been arrested on drug trafficking charges. Worst of all, no one seemed to be covering it. He needed to find a show to calm down with.
“There is just nothing on tonight. 256 channels of boring snoozefest. We won the Cold War and ended up with this crap?”
After a few more frantic clicks of the TV remote, the screen came to rest on a black haired man standing with American flag while a red, white and blue eagle flew by. Rampant patriotism? I could enjoy this, the man thought. The title theme cut away and the man waved to the camera as it zoomed in on him.
“Nation! Hello, and welcome to the Colbert Report! I’m your host, Stephen Colbert.”
The man in the chair relaxed. Finally, there was something he could tune out to. He took a sip of his scotch as the talking head went on. Colbert covered various issues including the latest political scandal, and the sad shenanigans of the Tea Party, which he drummed up to be a great success using his faux right-wing TV character. The final issue he looked to be covering was infrastructure.
“And so Colbert Nation, I think it is great that our infrastructure is crumbling. Now every time I take a roadtrip, it will be so exciting. My life can be a literal ‘highway to the Danger Zone.’ And speaking of Danger Zones, Kenny Loggins.”
“No.” Gasped the man in the chair, his grip tightening on the scotch.
“Yes friends, it appears that Mr. Loggins will not be singing, ‘I’m Free’ anytime soon. In fact, I think he’ll be relearning what it means to be ‘Playing With The Boys.’”
“Stop.” Menaced the man in the chair.
“Being in jail could be good for him though. It would give him time to think about his mistakes. For example, how terrible of a song ‘Danger Zone’ really is.”
“That’s it!” Roared the man as he shot out of his chair, casting his tumbler of scotch to the floor, where it shattered into pieces. “Woodhouse! Call Lana. Tell her to meet me at work, and get my turtleneck.
---
3 Hours Earlier
Colbert had just finished the taping of his show and was preparing for the aftershow. The season had just started and the producers were throwing a gala to celebrate and kick-off another successful season.
“Stephen, could you come in here?” His director asked. Stephen followed his voice and walked into his director’s office. The director flipped the lights on, and Colbert was blown away. In front of him stood a full model replica of the paladin armor that Colbert had been modeled in.
“Oh my god! I don’t believe it!”
“Well, we knew you really liked the painting of you wearing it, so the crew contributed some money and we managed to buy a real life copy. It’s even made out of some lightweight metal, so you can wear it and still walk around normally.”
“This is…incredible.”
“You like it huh? Why don’t you wear it to the party?” Colbert nodded as he moved to grab it to try it on.
---
Lana had been standing in the cold for 10 minutes outside of the laundromat when Archer finally pulled up.
“Damn it Archer! Do you know what time it is?”
“Um like 12:40 am?”
“Yes, that is the middle of the night. Why did you call me out here in the middle of the night?”
“Work waits for no man, or woman. Come on, we’ve got to kill Stephen Colbert?”
“The comedian? What did he do?”
“He pissed of a very, very important person.”
“Wait, how do I know this isn’t another one of your personal vendettas? Who called you to set up the contract?”
“Uh, Koggins. Lenny Koggins.” Archer prayed that Lana still had no knowledge of the singer at all.
“Fine, but how do you propose we get in here. I bet it’s locked, and ever since we merged with the CIA, the security is probably even more intense.”
“Please Lana,” Archer said as he swung open the supposedly locked door. “We may be partnered with the CIA, but it’s still us. Did you expect anything more?” Archer led the way down the secret elevator where they equipped themselves with sniper rifles and small pistol sidearms.
---
An hour later, Lana and Archer were set up on a building opposite the open-air aftershow party of The Colbert Report.
“Archer, do you see him?”
“No Lana, of course I don’t see him. If I would have I would have sai….oh my God!” Colbert had just emerged wearing his paladin suit. “Look at him. He’s got a literal case of White Knight Syndrome.” Archer adjusted his sights for Colbert’s head and prepped his trigger finger. Just as he took his shot, Colbert had thrown up his armor clad arms while talking to someone at the party. By sheer luck, his armor caught the bullet, denting the metal, but not piercing it. The crowd ran in fear as Colbert ducked, shielding his head.
“Dammit, I can’t get another shot.” Archer stood up, trying to get a different angle. “Face your judgement for ridiculing Kenny Loggins.” He shouted down at the armor-clad man.
“WHAT?” Lana yelled. “You lied to me, you dragged me out here for your own rampage.” Archer lowered the sniper rifle to turn to Lana.
“Yes Lana, alright? I lied. But now you’re here, and they’re going to go after anyone on this rooftop regardless of the pretenses under which they were led here.”
“Fine but I am going to kill you for this later.”
“Great. Now where did he go?” Asked Archer. In the time the two were bickering, Colbert had fled the scene. Now the two spies had to find him and hunt him down. Unawares to them, Colbert was planning a counterattack with the security guards on scene. Can Archer finish his rampage successfully, or will Colbert prove to be the American hero he claims to be?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TL;DR Colbert, in his lightly armored suit, has to storm the building Lana and Archer are on top of while the two agents, armed with sniper rifles and handguns, have to take him and his security guards out.
Profiles
Sterling Archer
Stephen Colbert
